Dr. Andrew Millar/On Your Mind

It can be distressing to cope with negative opinions, but psychology can help you be less vulnerable to them.

Some people try to avoid negative opinions and criticisms because they feel pain when other people are unhappy with them. They may try to please others, even to the point of sacrificing themselves and their values. It can be very difficult for such people to make a decision because they are afraid that somebody might not like it.

When treating people with these sorts of problems, our major therapy goals are to increase their valuation of their own opinions and decrease their reliance on the opinions of other people. Once they are more independent in their thinking, they can make decisions based on what is best for them.

One strategy I use to explore the nature of others/ opinions is a mental experiment. Imagine yourself in the following scenario:

You and I stand in front of the nearest grocery store and greet the first 100 people we see. I say, &#8220Hello, I/m Andrew,C and you introduce yourself. We tell them, &#8220We/re just saying, >Hi,/ to people today.C How would everybody react?

Most likely, we would see a variety of reactions. Some people would say &#8220HiC back to us. Others might ignore us. Some people might stop and talk.

If we are the same people saying the same thing to everybody, why would they react in different ways?

The answer is probably that people are all different and the people we greet have different perceptions of us, that is, different opinions.

People who see us as friendly and want to think of themselves as friendly are likely to react in friendly ways. People who think we/re weird or that we/re trying to sell them something are more likely to stay away from us.

So how could we make every one of those 100 people have a positive reaction to us? What if you gave everyone ,50? Would everybody like us after you spend your ,5,000?

Many people would take the money, but I think that some would refuse it, perhaps if they thought there was a catch to it or if they had a belief against taking money they did not earn. Even people who took the money may not like you more; they might even think you are foolish for giving away your money.

What if, instead, you tried to offend everyone? I think some people would criticize and fight with you, but others would ignore or run away from you. Some might even laugh it off as a joke, and maybe have an insult contest with you.

If there/s no way to make everybody think the same way about us, for good or for bad, we might as well accept the likelihood that there are always going to be different opinions, no matter what we do or what choices we make.

If that/s so, we might as well make decisions that are right for us. We can expect that people will have opinions about us, and that, no matter what decision we make, some of those opinions will be unfavorable.

We can cope with those negative opinions by remembering that just because someone thinks our decision is wrong doesn/t automatically make it wrong.

Oddly enough, if every one of my readers agrees with my points in this article, then it would suggest that I/m wrong in my thinking that people will tend to have different opinions. If somebody reading this thinks I/m wrong, then that means my point is right.

Fortunately, I don/t have to be perfectly right to have a good point.

Well, that/s my opinion anyway, and I sticking to it.

Dr. Andrew Millar is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Maria. Past articles from this column are available at http://psychologycenter.blog spot.com, and at www.santa mariatimes.com. For questions regarding this column or to schedule a personal consultation, call him at 934-8421 or e-mail DrAndrewMillar@Gmail .com.

June 15, 2006