Goodbye, golfers.

Faithful readers will have already noticed that this column is different than the others.

Yes, it is with a great deal of sadness that I announce the retirement of this little column.

For almost two years now, even when there was no golf to write about, I have had the privilege of sharing my thoughts with you here. Frankly, some of those thoughts weren/t worth the ink they were written with, but I did my best. Now, I/m afraid the time has come for me to let this go. An increasingly demanding schedule no longer allows me the luxury of preparing a newspaper column every week. There are just too many hallways to mop these days. So today, as I prepare to hang up the word processor, I thought we/d take a walk down the cart path together to see where we/ve been.

How it Began

Back in June of 2004, I happened to be upstairs at the Lompoc Record offices talking with my friends Al Hunt and John McReynolds. At the time, Al was the sports editor and John, in addition to being a Record sports writer, was my broadcast partner for Lompoc Braves sporting events. Somehow our conversation turned to the game of golf and my notorious inability to play it. Apparently Al had been looking for someone to write a weekly column about the local golf scene and suggested the idea to me. At first I was reluctant, revealing my handicap to prove my unworthiness. But Al said, &#8220Hey, you don/t have to play it, just write about it!C So, with encouragement from two professional sports writers, I accepted the challenge and submitted my first effort.

The Learning Curve

Looking back at some of my early columns, it must have been pretty obvious that a professional writer I was not. In fact, by definition, I/m still not a professional writer. You see, in order to be known as a professional at a given trade, one must be paid for one/s services. Many faithful readers are under the impression that I work for the Record, but that is not actually the case. I have been doing this column for fun, and an occasional free round of golf. So at least I have an excuse if my columns don/t read too wellŠI don/t do this for a living! Hopefully they have improved a bit over time but in retrospect, my early efforts were, shall we say, a bit stiff. Reading some of the vintage FORE columns (yes I have them all, don/t you?) I appeared to be struggling in an attempt to make fourth flight tournament results seem entertaining. Admittedly not an easy task, but to me, a novice amateur, something was missing.

Enter the Ducks

Somewhere along the line I started writing about ducks. I strange topic to find in a golf column to be sure, but my friendly waterfowl buddies became regular visitors at FORE. It all started at La Purisima, on a day that I actually got to play golf instead of write about it. On the second green, which is pretty much surrounded by water, I had hit a particularly bad shot (pretty common for me) after which every duck in the area started quacking as if to announce their delight in my misery. This soon spread to every duck on the course. Eventually, proving conclusively that ducks do indeed send messages via airmail, I couldn/t play golf anywhere without ducks laughing at me. Then, of course, there was my continuous and ongoing battle withŠ

Water World

Faithful readers will have noticed a recurring theme in FORE having to do with anything involving water. This originally referred to my habit of hitting golf balls into water hazards but, over time, the topic seemed to flow into other parts of my daily existence as well. There was the constant battle with water in the hallways at work and the day my water heater flooded my garage and kitchen at home. At every turn, it seemed that water was inundating my very existence! But when I wasn/t fighting the water, I occasionally had the chance to actually play the game that I write about.

On the Course

Eventually I began to feel more comfortable at the keyboard than I did with a driver in my hand. Faithful readers knowing the way I play, that should come as no surprise. And during every round I played, I would remember why I just write about the game instead of playing it. In fact, I became quite adept at coming up with reasons not to play. Water worries were always on top, but the list expanded to the point that I became known for finding excuses not to play. If the truth were known, every excuse I gave was valid, at least to a certain extent, plus a bit for literary effect. I did manage to get to the course on several special occasions however.

The Tournaments

During my time here with FORE, I have had the pleasure of participating in some very special events. I played in the Nike Junior/Am tournament at Marshallia Ranch last summer, along with the California Blind Golf Classic at Rancho Maria. Playing with those extremely talented juniors in the Nike was great fun, and the experience of sharing the course with some of the best blind golfers in the world was something I will never forget. And of course, attending the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro/Am with a press pass was the ultimate highlight of my golf-writing career.

Thank You

It has been a pleasure to write this column for you over the last two years. I never could have imagined what an impact it apparently has had. At first, readership was limited to local golfers, but then expanded to folks who don/t even play the game. Then, by the miracle of the Internet, people from all over the country were reading it. Faithful readers will recall when Augusta National contacted me last year after I mentioned what turned out to be inaccurate information about the Masters course. Superintendents from all over were reading tips on how to maintain their courses, while friends and relatives of local golfers were receiving clips about their latest achievements.

I/d like to thank Al and John for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you every week. Their confidence in me helped to make this column a reality. I/d also like to thank my family for understanding why sometimes, especially on deadline day, I couldn/t be everywhere they wanted me to be. And I/d especially like to thank all of the faithful readers who put up with my lousy jokes, my bad puns and my endless excuses. Over the last two years I have received countless calls, emails and visits regarding this silly little column and every one of them, regardless of how brief, was appreciated. I am truly honored by your readership. If I managed to bring a smile to some faces on Thursdays, it was all worth it. It has been quite a ride. Now if you/ll excuse me, I have life to attend to.

Oh, and one last thingŠ keep swinging, keep your head down and FORE!!!

April 6, 2006